Dangers at Songkran

Giles Ji Ungpakorn

For those planning to have fun throwing water during the Songkran festival, there are many dangers to bear in mind.

Firstly, if we believe the conservative moral bores, Songkran is a time of terrible debauchery. Any participation will send you to hell or ensure that you are reborn as some unspeakable lowly creature such as a junta supporter or a whistle-blowing yellow shirt.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel! Generalissimo Prayut has appointed himself as head of a national committee to prevent teenage pregnancies. His talents know no bounds! He has also declared that anyone wearing skimpy clothes at Songkran will be severely punished. The military always know best.

Of course, the ruling elite are highly moral people, never having numerous mistresses or paying for sexual services or anything like that.

Secondly, there are the terrible number of road accidents; a tribute to laissez-faire policies of all governments, past and present, who have refused to build safe and affordable public transport for the benefit of the masses. The long working hours and short holidays for most working people also mean that a few days of fun are packed into a short and intense period when everyone is travelling and drunk at the same time.

In his infinite wisdom, Generalissimo Prayut proposed to shorten the Songkran holiday to save water. That proved to be a very popular measure… and would make matters worse.

But much, much, more important and a potential danger to national security is the choice of plastic bowls that you use.

Whatever you do, do not on any account use a red plastic bowl to throw water at people. Recently a villager in Chiang Mai was charged under article 116, which covers internal security, for displaying a picture of themselves next to a red plastic bowl. They were summonsed to appear at the local military court. A Pua Thai former member of parliament for Nan province has also been charged for the same “offence”.

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Troops have been kicking down doors and searching vehicles for terrorists carrying or distributing such red plastic bowls, especially those with Taksin’s signature on them.

According to people on social media, the junta has designed its own officially approved yellow plastic bowl with the snappy slogan saying that “HE Prayut is the cleverest person in the world”. Make sure you only use the junta approved bowl for Songkran festivities.

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Make sure also, that you don’t throw water at any brown street dogs in case you are thrown in jail on lèse-majesté charges for insulting the king’s dog.

The Thai junta has announced a nation-wide hunt for the those responsible for the “Red Bowl Song” on you tube which referred to “Water buffalo Thai soldiers”. Watch it here before it gets removed.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZMa3RswBoQ

If you happen to be a politician or anyone else who just “doesn’t get it” mind you don’t get kidnapped for a 7 day re-education session compliments of General Pigface Prawit. You’d then miss the entire Songkran festival. Some military types have darkly hinted that troublesome people will be sent to re-education camps in Patani where the military can use torture with impunity. They even kill their own army recruits from time to time when things get a bit rough.

However, for true campaigners for democracy, the only water fight worth taking part in is for all of us to spit together and drown all those military criminals who are running the country!

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